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  • Just Breathe.

    The world is such a strange place to be. 32 years ago I was created with a twin sister named Ari. Ari had the best personality, WHEWWWW what a joy to be around. For the last 4 years I have acknowledged breathing. I can just lie in bed and have the opportunity to focus on breathing. As human beings we forget to just breath. We don’t even cherish, the moments we have to do so. We are caught up in life that we don’t even value the greatest things, like having the ability to LIVE and BREATHE. On today, I have chosen to think about my sisters life and how she has no more air to breathe. NOW she’s in a place where I’m sure the air is way more fresher. I think about today and the world we live in and how we have to pull down a FORKING mask to breath now. What a privilege it is to breath in air on earth, but I still can’t imagine life without her. Every time I breath or sigh or huff and puff, I automatically think about her. I not only think about her but I think about all the people I have lost in the last 4 years. I can’t help but think about their last breath. I can’t even bare to think about Ari’s last breath, and I know some of you feel the same way. I will forever long for Ari and I to share the same air and breath together. But, who am I kidding in a middle of a pandemic she’s better off than me right now. I can’t help but think she is breathing in the purest of air, her nickname is Air of course. Listen sis,I just came by to wish you a Happy Birthday, and again…. well done.

    Tot 

    …… grieving in the middle of a pandemic coming shortly 

  • Where were you?

    Where were you?

    A letter to the editor..

    “On September 23, 2016, I recall attending a staff meeting  with a few of my colleagues. Within the first ten minutes of the meeting, I stepped out to answer an incoming phone call from one of my friends. This particular friend never calls, especially this early in the morning. So, I figured it was important. I picked up the phone and she asks, “Hey, sorry to other you, but have you heard from Tatiana?” “No,” I responded. As I stood in the hallway confused, my friend provided a little background information regarding the question. She saw Tat and Ari’s photo reposted on Instagram, which prompted the call. Unfortunately, I forgot to check social media that morning, and didn’t have any answers for my friend.  After the call, I made a quick attempt to call Tat. No answer. Now, I was even more confused. “What’s going on here? Let me call someone else that would know,” I thought. My next and final option was Tat and Ari’s cousin, who is my close friend. I scanned through my phone, searching for her number. I immediately called, and found out the horrible news within the matter of seconds. “Ari is gone,” she said. From that point forward, I knew that Tatiana would need me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure what I could do or say to make things better. Deep down, I knew that Ari was never coming back, and for the first time in her life, Tatiana would have to continue on. It wasn’t until September 2018, when Tatiana approached me for assistance. Combining her passion for writing and my graphic design skillset, we were able to launch 365daysofloss.com. That’s when I realized that Tatiana would continue her life with Ari, through memories, photos, and stories. Ari is still and will always be with Tatiana.”

     

    – Bryce Carmichael (The curator of 365)

     

    Where were you?

    The night of September 22nd, 2016, I stayed at my parents house for the first time in 41 days after living with Ari, Tot and their family. I stayed at my parents house because for one they went away for the week and they wanted someone to look after my brother and two I was getting my hair dyed in the morning at a salon that was closer to their house. Throughout the night I laid on my couch, snacking, and texting our group message where everyone responded as normal. I probably dozed off a couple times and eventually decided to walk to my room which was still set up at my parents house. My phone is always on do not disturb and all of my contacts are always on do not disturb. Sometime before I fell asleep I set my alarm for the following day but also took my phone off of do no disturb, I’m still not sure why I decided to do that. A little before 5:30 am on Friday morning I got a call from Tot. She started the conversation off by saying “She’s gone, Ari’s gone”. I’ll never forget the sound of Tots voice when she told me, it’s still one of the most life changing moments that I’ve ever experienced.

    -Tia Beverly

     

     

    Where were you?

    On the morning of September 23rd, I was at work. I had just got there and was scrolling through IG to pass the time and came across the picture of Ari sitting in the water. I thought she looked so bomb in the picture and ironically angelic and immortal because she kinda appeared to be sitting on top of the water . But as I scrolled , I realized it wasn’t her post and then I read the caption and froze. I scrolled back up to the picture and scrolled down to the caption again as if I thought it could change. I was in disbelief and my next thought was “TATIANA!” So I proceeded to text Tatiana , “love you❤️”. I was still in disbelief, but I figured if it was true I didn’t know what exactly to say and if it wasn’t true , someone always wants to know someone loves them. The weekend passed and I still didn’t want to believe it and 3 years later I still can’t. There’s random moments when I still can’t believe she’s not here.But I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re so grateful for the time we did have with Ari.

     

    -Jachel Everett

     

    Where were you?

    I used to watched Ari’s Snapchat stories. Especially in the morning. They always made me smile and at that time in my life I was looking for anything that would distract me from my own reality. The small comforts of life. I was driving into work and stuck in traffic so, of course: let’s check Snapchat. 

    For some reason that morning I thought to myself, “What is Ari going to be like when she’s older?” I tried to picture the future her – more mature in the face, grey hairs…. I couldn’t.  I thought “that’s weird, let me try to picture Tatiana older” the image in my head was clear. “So odd” I thought. They are twins, wouldn’t I picture basically the same face?

    I got into work and settled. And it wasn’t before long that my phone started ringing. It was Tiff. She usually calls me, but not that early. I better answer. Tiff was sobbing, she doesn’t usually cry – and then I finally could make out  what she was saying.

    …

    That’s how I felt. … it didn’t take long before the shock turned to grief and my own sobs followed. They sent me home from work. I drove straight to Florence.

    I watched that last snap over and over and over, until it was just …. gone.

     

    -Gina Dicroce

     

    In closing.. Where were you?

    September 23,2016. . 

    I remember this day like it was yesterday; a memory I wish I could forget because it was a day that changed my life and so many others, as well. 

    It was around 7:15am, I struggled to get up for work that day but I pulled myself out of bed and went into the bathroom to begin getting ready. Unbeknownst to me, Jeremy (Remy), was getting a call from his cousin Jeff, telling him the horrible news of Ariana’s passing.

    He knocked on the door and came in and first looked at me (it’s so sad, I remember this part so vividly). I remember his facial expression, his whole demeanor, I didn’t know what he was going to tell me. When I ask him today, what were his initial thoughts, he says” I didn’t know what to say or how to even tell you, but I had to.” 

    “Ummm, Ariana passed away,” he said. “WHAAAT?!,” “Ariana who?”, “What do you mean passed away?”, “How?” He explained he just got off the phone with Jeff and learned she was in a bad car accident and didn’t make it . I instantly left the bathroom, not believing a word he just said, I sat on our bed and honestly, I went to social media. I went on social media to see if anyone else was saying RIP or to give me some thing, ANYTHING. The only thing I knew, I was way too terrified to call Tatiana to even confirm. I didn’t want to face the truth, I didn’t want to believe. Remy said “Lets just go over there and see what’s going on.” So we both called out of work and drove over to Florence. 

    When we pulled up and saw so many people outside, I knew this was really happening, the harsh reality of this unfortunate event was ACTUALLY happening. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out the car, let alone go inside the house! I wanted to see my sister, hold her and comfort her, but I was too afraid because I could feel her pain from outside. I stood there for a while, going back and forth and finally just asked her parents was it okay if I went upstairs. I remember being nervous to find the state Tatiana would be in. Although she was surrounded by her close friends, she just stared off; I’m not even sure she knew I was there yet! I couldn’t remember the conversations we had but I remember at one point Tatiana on the floor, hands in a fist, banging on the floor, crying. I can still feel the pain from this day.  

    Everyone knows, especially Ariana and Tatiana, my memory is super selective! They could remember things in great detail and I would be like “that happened? when?” I don’t know why, but they say “we recall bad memories more easily and in greater detail than good ones,” and I wish this were not true. I hate that I remember this day so vividly. I hate that I still feel the heaviness of this day. I hate this even happened. I wish to remember the last thing she said to me ( and I was probably laughing because she was a trip) I wish to remember the last time I saw her (as stylish and as fierce as she was) I wish to remember the last time we hugged and I told her I loved her. I wish to go back to September 23, 2016 and erase this entire day. . 

    Ariana, not a moment goes by when you don’t cross my mind. It could be the littlest thing, a picture, an old CD playlist, a sunflower, a rainbow.. Tatiana! You are all around us. Protecting us as you always have. I miss you so much and will honor you in the best ways I know how.  I love you sister, forever and ever!

    -Cherese Rucker

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • i wished and prayed for twins.

    ◦ February 4th, 1989 was a cloudy, cold, overcast day. It was a Saturday, and I was still pregnant with my twins, but they weren’t actually due until February 8th. I had settled in on that date because it didn’t seem they were coming any sooner; in spite of my running up and down the stairs when no one was at home. My husband left for work around 5:30am that day, and at 6:00am I had the first of my contractions. I was in disbelief. I wasn’t sure it was real labor, so I started timing the contractions. They were all over the place….five minutes, 7 minutes, 12 minutes. Because if this, I wasn’t sure this was true labor. I waited until 9am and called my friend Tracey to ask her opinion. Her best advice was, call your doctor, I’ve never had twins. So I called, they told me to come in. We were living with my in-laws at the time, so I told everyone that I needed a ride to the hospital; then I proceeded to do my hair and make-up (true story). Once I got ready and grabbed my bag, I got into the car with my mother-in-law and father-in-law, and we headed to the hospital. My father- in-law blew through every red light between Florence and Willingboro. My husband, who worked at the hospital at that time, met us at the door. I thought things were going smoothly, until they checked fetal heart rates. Ariana was presenting and ready to go (true to form). Tatiana was breech and not advancing , and her heart rate was decelerating; therefore I would be having a C-section. This proved to be true to form for Tatiana as well, she is determined that the world will wait for her. Nothing went quite as expected. My epidural hadn’t kicked in when they tried the first incision, so I had to be go under general anesthesia. Ari rallied and was born at 12:21 pm; 6lbs 7oz. Tot followed at 12:22pm weighing 5lb 1.5oz. To this day, they were the greatest gift I’ve ever received. They have provided me with some amazing experiences, but nothing has not topped their own birth. Happy 30th birthday babies. I love you so much. And Ari, I miss you so much.

     

     

    sincerely,

    your mom.

  • surviving 30.

    I uhhh… have no words, no words can amount to how I feel. I’m going to make it plain though. I dreamed about turning 30 with you in equivalence to  little girls dreaming of their wedding day. I couldn’t wait to spend this day with you, but it was truly robbed from me. I had a really great time with our friends yesterday Ari, our day ones (Cherese, Ebony, & Iwona) but I’m sure you were watching. But then,  I broke down really bad, I am unbelievably devastated. I haven’t wrote in a while, but I am so busy trying to make life without you “something”. I knew today of all days, I had to absolutely write about you. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about but then, eureka!

    I have been thinking about growing up with you, arguing with you, laughing with you, and I couldn’t be more honored. So, here are so many things that I have done since you have left, and I hope I am making you proud. 

     I’m still keeping myself up (as well as I can)

    I don’t eat chicken anymore (not sure if you’d agree)

    I got a tattoo for you

    I drink jager for you (sometimes)

    I try to smile more

    Girl, I have back muscles!

    I taught myself how to braid

    I can finally make scrambled eggs (still hate yolk though)

    I learned how to make mac n cheese, the way daddy taught you. 

    I keep up with most of your friendships, (and if one more person gets married!)

    I went back to school (and I dread it)

    Girl, I still have a couple abs (the last half of the day) 

    I walk away from arguments (depending circumstances)

    I work at doc’s now (I have to take a deep breath every time I walk in)

    I smile at all of your customers that you used to make jokes to (like how I’m mean and we’re not related, that we look nothing alike)

    After I count my money for the night I add to your coin collection (you’d be proud I’m still saving money for us)

    I learned how to go places on my own, sitting down at places by myself

    People are still sad Ari, every time I work at docs I hear a new story. It really is so refreshing, you touched so many people’s lives’. You should be so proud of yourself, seriously. At 27 years of age you touched police officers, teachers, family members, so celebrate today in heaven, Ari. 3 years is nothing that you have missed, you did so much in less time than that! You did so much in an influential way, and you did it with grace. People talk about you, they talk about your light, they talk about your bench. I was told a couple weeks ago that it takes people years to get a bench at a park, even a street name. You were loved. I never pictured turning 30 without you and I am very much sad. I’m sad everyday, but still I am thriving and I’m surviving only for you. Happy Birthday Ari.

    Love your biggest fan,

    Tot.